SALT LAKE CITY — Local born again crust punk Richard “Skuz-Dixx” Vanderbilt was recently baptized in sewage after deciding to reenter the Church of Latter-day Stains, confirmed sources who had to leave the room because of the foul stench.

“Although I checked off my entire bucket list within three months of leaving the Church, I now realize there is no life without the one, true Crust,” Vanderbilt explained, as a gaggle of robed oogles mixed cigarette butts, excrement, and myriad, pungent garbage together in a 5XL bariatric diaper. “Everyone has that same look of judgement when they first gaze upon the Doomsday Diaper, but they’re missing the point. The Diaper is not about despair; rather, it is the destroyer of hierarchies. The Church ethically sources feces from this very sewer—the same

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