When will Starmer release a video of himself engaged in sexual intercourse with our flag?

KEIR Starmer claims to love the flag. Nonsense. He may take it home but there as yet exists no evidence that he then accompanies it to bed.

Indeed, it’s hard to believe this pasty, passionless man even watches a horror film with the the flag, drawing closer to it on the sofa during jump scares before beginning to caress it caringly and then more forcefully.

Certainly no true Briton – ie voting Conservative or further right – can give credence to the idea that Starmer engages in passionate foreplay with the banner of our nation, stimulating its erogenous zones expertly yet with a teasing touch.

And progressing to oral? Drawing the folds of the flag aside and going at its secret core with his ham-pink tongue, driving it into frenzied ecstasy before demanding it do the same for him? Litera