WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. government has passed a new bill allowing for widespread surveillance of every American citizen — unless, of course, they happen to be carrying cocaine into the White House.

The legislation grants unprecedented powers to intelligence agencies to monitor the communications and activities of individuals across the country without obtaining a warrant. Despite pushback from citizens who believe the government ought to obtain a warrant to spy on it own citizens, lawmakers laughed heartily and passed it anyway. However, the bill does carve out an exception for anyone sneaking a little nose candy past the Secret Service and into the Oval Office.

"I don't know what all the fuss is about," asked a confused Hunter Biden. "Congress ensured we're all free to get a quick b

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