LADIES are different, but men seem to need to crack one out in the most inopportune of locations and/or circumstances. They will never satisfactorily explain why:

At work

Not because you fancy colleagues, indeed you loathe them, but sloping off to the Gents to manhandle the suspect is both a little treat and a skive, like going to the vending machine for a Twix. Other people have fag breaks, so why shouldn’t you be entitled to a masturbatory hiatus? Women? They have that ‘needing to work twice as hard’ thing.

After she’s gone to bed

She’s upstairs watching reality shite on her phone, you’ve crashed around loading the dishwasher for an alibi. Now for a quick scan if there’s any semi-nudity on telly as an amuse-bouche before settling down to phone grot. If you went upstairs you might get

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