CUPERTINO, CA - As Apple CEO Tim Cook was hanging out in his office this morning, a red phone rang on his desk: the phone for which only President Xi Jinping has the number. Cook jumped up, dropped his guitar, and answered.

"Yes, what is it, Mr. Chairman, sir?" Cook asked. "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes, we'll get on it right away. Thank you very much Mr. Chairman, may you live forever."

Cook had reportedly been alerted to the fact that Taiwan existed on Apple Maps, a "grave oversight" according to China's president and dictator. Immediately, Cook ordered Taiwan completely erased from existence.

"Yeah, we, of course, had labeled it a province of China before at China's request, but just to be on the safe side, we're getting rid of it entirely," Cook told tech journalists, who applauded.

The spac

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