IT’S almost freshers’ week, and as a parent you’ll want to ensure your child is suitably twattish as a student. Here’s how to give them the best start at uni.

Get them a hat

Hats are the quickest and easiest way to look like a twat as a student. Trilbies, beanie hats, rastacaps and anything a Sherpa would wear are all good, and of course the classic flat cap. If it’s twattish enough for Guy Ritchie, it’s twattish enough for your child.

Ensure they join the worst clubs and societies

During freshers’ week get them to sign up to social pariah groups like the Christian Union and Tabletop Gaming Soc, not forgetting the university debating society. How could what is basically formalised showing-off in the company of arseholes like Jacob Rees-Mogg be anything other than twattish?

Sit down an

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