Outbreaks of lucidity on Tuesday: Your period as a weather report

GOOD evening, I’m Carol Kirkwood, and this is the rundown of a forbidding menstrual week ahead. Here’s the forecast:

Saturday

Storm clouds and heavy bloating are rolling in from the west, along with severe chilliness towards boyfriends who breathe too loudly. We’re going to see sporadic outbreaks of sadness and a jar of pickled onions hurled violently against the kitchen wall for refusing to open.

Sunday

There’ll be some light downpours today – the perfect excuse to climb into comfies and despise humanity without restraint. Expect Gilmore Girls to drift across screens around 4pm, accompanied by a blazing row with your sister over WhatsApp. By evening we’re into heavy spells of self-pity, followed by a shopping front on ASOS opening up.

Monday

Expect scattered cramps across the abdo