Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You know how you deal with a jellyfish sting? You don’t let his insults get to you in the first place.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

[Godzilla trying new angle] “Wow! And tell me, is there a Mister Rodan?”

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

How did Nigel Farage manage to pay £885,000 for a house in Clacton? That’s one f**k of a static caravan.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Why waste money on fancy English editions? Simply turn on Translate and hold your phone over every paragraph of Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

White goes first in chess. What more proof of structural racism do you need?

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

‘Sit down, scroll Bumble,’ as Kendrick Lamar no doubt intended to write.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

See Full Page