WAKING with a hangover so excruciating that I consider deploying the self-assembled guillotine gifted to me by the Archbishop of Amiens, I reflect on the events of the last week.

Following Nigel Farage’s statements about Sharia law being imminent, I had invited him for a private luncheon with two friends of mine from Kebab Boyz 4 Lyfe, an establishment I often come to in after a 12-18 hour blackout.

Mohammed and Amir looming behind me, I inform Farage sotto voce that Sharia had indeed been secretly introduced in London and I was now subject to it.

‘I’m afraid you are too,’ I continued, ‘and I regret that you are summarily charged with the crime against Islam of bearing false witness. That nonsense about immigrants eating swans. Allah’s sentence? Removal of your left bollock.’

Mohammed

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