Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Jarvis Cocker really should have changed the lyrics of Disco 2000 to the past tense.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

You get a lot fewer prophecies these days than you used to, don’t you?

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

“I liked Vince Clarke, but after Depeche Mode and Yazoo he did nothing.” “Careful. That’s Erasure erasure.”

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

This week, as a nice treat, your inner monologue is guest hosted by Kristin Scott Thomas.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Late at night you have existential crises like ‘Am I a fake labubu?’

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

“Oh, well if you’re really passionate about his work, it just so happens I have a Banksy on my cock.”

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Weird they named gay women after somewhere that one

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