PHILADELPHIA, PA - After hiring a plethora of speech coaches to assist her in preparing for her big Thursday night address, sources confirmed Tuesday that Hillary Clinton is practicing her Democratic National Convention speech in dozens of different U.S. dialects.

"Normally I just adapt my drawl to mimic whatever pitiful populace I'm currently addressing," she explained to her team of trainers. "But listen, this is the biggest speech of my life and the entire country will be watching - I have to be able to nail every significant accent in the land, at will, so these [expletive] people will think I'm authentic."

Blending a distinctive Appalachian note with a northern Montana timbre, she reportedly informed the room full of professionals that they will all be "dead by Friday" if she can't

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