Key points

Perfectionists tend to view unconditional love with deep suspicion.

Children in households where love is granted based on performance believe it's the basis of all love.

Experimenting with underperforming in therapy helped me realize that love can exist in several forms.

We frequently define ourselves, largely, by how our early environments define us. Whatever we’re perpetually praised and punished for as children often becomes internalized and generalized. So, if you’re consistently praised for your grades, you may come to consider yourself intelligent. If you’re praised for your ball skills, you may come to consider yourself an athlete. If you’re punished for your grades, you may come to consider yourself stupid. And if you’re punished for your limited athletic ability,

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