Colin Jost is perfect for this.

As a “former Fox News host,” Jost’s Hegseth rage-strolled on stage, shouting at the audience, “I summoned all of you here today to address a serious problem, okay? Our military is gay as hell!”

“Thanks to failed, liberal policies, our army has never been gayer, and yet, it’s also never been fatter,” Jost’s Hegseth complained. “Make that make sense.”

After outlining the new standards for the military, Jost warned, “And hey, if you’re out there and you don’t want to lose the weight, you don’t want to follow the rules, hey, no problem. You know who’s gonna want your sick, twisted, fat a--? ICE. We’ve got a sign-up sheet for ICE in the hallway, check them out.”

Of course there was a cameo by the national attention whore.

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