EDMONTON, AB

Local man Darryl Klassen of Edmonton, who was kicked out of a local 7-11 store this week for wearing nothing but a pair of gym shorts and a mullet, has been called “the most traumatized, brutalized, persecuted, and mistreated individual in the history of the human race,” by new Alberta Premier Danielle Smith.

“My heart really goes out to persecuted souls like Darryl,” said Premier Smith. “When I think of all the atrocities of the past century, they all pale in comparison to being asked to put on a shirt when microwaving a beef and cheese taquito.”

Darryl reportedly grabbed five pepperoni sticks, a Papsi-flavoured Slurpee, and a bag of zoat before being politely asked if he could, perhaps, throw on a top or something.

“It’s really sad to see this kind of persecution in our

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