By Nathan Muir, aged 39, marketing manager and masturbator

GREAT. Now I can specify my erotic needs – Scarlett Johansson, H-cups, PSCO outfit – and ChatGPT will spin up a bespoke scenario. And I’m meant to leave the house?

Literally every longing in my wank bank can be made text. All I need to do is add a description of Carol Ryan, who sat opposite me in History and whose cleavage still haunts me, and I’m getting a story tailored to my exact needs. Well, goodbye outside world.

What do I get if I leave the house? Drizzle and vape shops. What do I get if I stay in and craft a few prompts? An erotic epic in which Natalie Portman decides that, of all the men in her life, I’m the one she’s giving up the ass for.

I’m sorry, but that can’t be beaten. And it’s not just me. All those people who

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