On what would have been Carrie Fisher ’s 69th birthday, Billie Lourd — among the most private of actors — posted a very personal and emotional tribute to her mother on her Instagram account.

“My mom would’ve been 69 years old today,” Lourd wrote. “Which still feels shockingly young because this is the ninth birthday of hers I’ve ‘celebrated’ without her. It feels like she has been dead so long that she should be 100 at this point? … Every time I meet someone older than her I’m secretly jealous. Why couldn’t she have lived as long as they have? Anyone out there who has lost a loved one too young can maybe relate? So I can’t really call it a wholly happy birthday cause she isn’t here to enjoy the happy.”

Fisher died on Dec. 27, 2016, after going into cardiac arrest on a flight from

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