Aries, March 21st–April 19th

“Squawk! Honestly, this has never happened to me before!” “Ignore the parrot. I consistently achieve erections.”

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

You miss 100 per cent of the shots you don’t take. And 100 per cent of the shots you do. You’re a f**king useless striker, Terry.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Lovely time of year. Mist, autumn colours, teenage boys out harvesting magic mushrooms for the long, psychedelic winter to come.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

People shout ‘eat a bag of dicks’ without even considering the difficulty of first collecting same.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

No, your mutt is not a ‘rescue dog’. You’re thinking of Paw Patrol.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Seeing the stars makes you feel small and insignificant. So why was Sir Pat

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