Key points

When conflict arises, the impulse to focus on your partner can block self-awareness.

Keeping the focus on yourself shifts attention from blame to accountability.

Real repair begins when each partner takes responsibility for their own part.

When couples come to us for therapy , they usually want the same thing: fewer fights, less hurt, more harmony. They imagine that the healthiest relationships are the ones with the least conflict.

But that’s not how love actually works. The goal isn’t the absence of conflict (rupture)—it’s how we use the conflict to repair—create and sustain meaningful connection .

In our book, Love. Crash. Rebuild , we teach every couple two unexpectedly simple rules. They sound almost too basic to matter, but if you really live by them, they can

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