WASHINGTON, D.C. — Parents are encouraged to check their child's Halloween candy haul every year to keep an eye out for razor blades and granola bars, but they didn't have to worry about the treats they'd get from the White House — until now. According to sources, the President and First Lady accidentally handed out fresh-cut bags of cocaine to trick-or-treaters at the South Lawn of the White House instead of candy, endangering both children and poll numbers.

"Dagnabbit, I grabbed the wrong basket again," said a frustrated Biden upon realizing he had already distributed his son Hunter's stash to the entire neighborhood. "Ah well... anyway, prick or preet, kids, have fun!"

According to eyewitnesses, Dr. Jill Biden then sprang into action. "Oh no, Joe! Crack is bad for kids!" she said. "I

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