Breakfast is sugar-free pea fibre from the state-run ZohranMart. I wish that I could give my son something better—it’s his birthday. But he doesn’t mind. School has turned him very woke. He starts to lecture me about my bourgeois values, so I change the subject by asking which classes he has today.

“Morning session is Communism and Zohran Studies. Then, in the afternoon, we learn how to burn different kinds of American flags.” I sigh. It’s the answer I was expecting, but I do wish he would learn math.

I go to take him to school in our car, but then I remember that Mayor Mamdani took all of our cars and melted them down to supply raw material to implement his brutal Fast and Free Buses doctrine. They say that soon even the subway will be free.

On the street, young people spit on me for b

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