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It's almost that time of year again! Public schools will be starting in a few weeks! Time to send your conservative little tikes into a hostile den of godless commies. How will they survive? Make sure they're ready with this conservative shopping list!

-Fireproof American flag to carry around: Public school teachers are always on the lookout for American flags to burn. Be prepared!

-Commie repellent spray: Pretty much just bear spray, but it also works on commies.

-Extra bacon to help them counteract that dumb healthy school lunch program: Arm your child with real AMERICAN food! Come and take it, Obama!

-Kids size 'I Identify As Vaccinated' t-shirt: Teachers must respect your child, no matter how he identifies.

-CRT canceling headphones: Any time your kid

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