SACRAMENTO, CA — Shortly after watching the third GOP primary debate, California governor and dictator aficionado Gavin Newsom immediately called for a ban on high-capacity assault high heels from his remote office in The French Laundry.

This new ban on high-capacity assault high heels comes in response to GOP primary candidate Nikki Haley's bold-and-not-weird-at-all claim that her high heels were, "Not for a fashion statement. They're for ammunition."

"Any high heel over three inches that can carry more than one bump stock in its magazine chamber is hereby banned in the good state of California forthwith and withforth, so be it," Declared Newsom to a crowd of journalists who appeared to be cowering in fear at the prospect of conservatives attacking them with their high-capacity high hee

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