Key points

Deciding to end a relationship does not mean you do so willingly.

Relationship partners both suffer loss, even if one chooses to leave and one does not.

We assume those exiting a relationship do not suffer, but evidence makes clear that the pain is high.

A challenging reality is that all relationships end eventually, but opting in incurs extraordinary benefits.

We typically believe that the person who is “dumped” during a breakup suffers so much more than the person ending the relationship (the dumper). We think the person who is dumped does not want the relationship to be over, wants to try and fix it, keep it going, stay in contact—anything but end it.

By contrast, the person who initiates the breakup is often viewed as wanting out, no matter the pain caused, and somehow

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