THE government has confirmed its new policy on asylum is a little bit vicious, a little bit Denmark and a little bit Nigel Farage’s gonads taken right out of his red trousers.

Under new rules asylum seekers will not be given permanent residence, appeals will be limited, housing and financial support restricted, and a sad little pair of wizened danglers will be removed from their prison and nailed firmly to Britain’s mast.

Home secretary Shabana Mahmood said: “I understand many of you will find the Y-front-aged nutsack of this bigoted man offensive. I do myself. I know what they’d call me.

“But as it’s either the knackers or the whole Farage, and as he’s leading in the polls with a plan to deport British citizens born here, we thought we’d better come up with an asylum policy rather than

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