SAN DIEGO, CA - "I'm a forward-thinking environmentalist!" said Jude Ashton, a backward-thinking, planet-killing, sorry excuse for a progressive. "Just because I haven't eaten a cicada yet, doesn't mean I'm not."

"I just don't want to eat bugs," said the so-called progressive who allegedly cares about the planet. "Why can't I just eat other protein-dense, gluten-free, environmentally conscious food sources?"

Other progressives rightfully questioned Ashton's commitment to the cause since he admitted himself he hadn't eaten a single terneral or nymph cicada.

Ashton tried to explain that he was in fact a bleeding heart progressive by saying, "I support a carbon tax, I think abortion should be on-demand at anytime, I changed my profile pic to a black square, and I even stuck by the Green Ne

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