Here we go, folks: I’m about to write a thousand words about how the Orioles should sign Kyle Tucker.

Yes, yes, I do understand that there’s one critical flaw in that premise, and it is this: the Orioles are definitely not going to sign Kyle Tucker.

The 28-year-old outfielder is the consensus #1-ranked free agent in baseball this offseason. MLB Trade Rumors projects Tucker to sign an 11-year, $400 million deal, which would rank among the largest in major league history. The biggest contract the Orioles have ever given a free agent in the Mike Elias era is the $49.5 million they spent (unwisely) on Tyler O’Neill last winter.

Tucker, a four-time All-Star who’s been one of the most productive hitters in baseball since his debut in 2018, will have his share of suitors, including teams that

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