I’VE decided to leave the lawless criminal dystopia that is Britain in 2025 and move to Dubai, a location I chose solely on the basis of international crime statistics.

It wasn’t an easy decision. Britain has given me so much, not least the chance to come second on The Apprentice in 2013 and be catapulted to the very top of the D-list celebrity category. But as I told social media, crime in Britain is so bad I no longer feel safe walking at night. Who knew that living in a mansion in the Hertfordshire countryside was so dangerous?

But it is, and so is the rest of the UK. Do we want to live in a country where you can’t even hop into your Range Rover without stepping over a freshly-murdered corpse? Which hasn’t technically actually happened to me but it probably will, soon.

By sheer

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