Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Tell you what, I would buy the everloving shit out of a facsimile Christmas Radio Times for 1986. Best line-up ever.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

You can’t say you’re British anymore. You can’t say anything. Your mouth is bound with tape and you’re tied up in my cellar.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

“No, I do recognise you. Wait… were we in Abba together?”

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

It loses its resale value once you’ve broken the spine, and that applies to both books and people.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Sales are down. Debts are spiralling. Funko Pop! may soon no longer exist as a going concern. Lads, it’s time to do the Nazis.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

A second-class stamp on my Christmas card? Why don’t you just come in, piss on my kids and

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