SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Paper straws in the Golden City will now come with a 15-second self-destruct timer to help customers understand how close they are to having their straw dissolve into a pile of useless goo. The helpful timers come by way of a city-wide mandate authorized by San Francisco Mayor London Breed.

In a statement to the press, Mayor Breed informed voters the new self-destruct timers were designed to limit complaints about the hugely unpopular paper straws. "No one likes paper straws because of how they become utterly useless so quickly. Your government has heard you! We are now including a self-destruct countdown timer with every straw so that you'll know exactly how much time you have to drink your beverage - which is exactly 15 seconds."

"This is going to save so many sea t

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