MUNCIE, Ind. — Local 29-year-old Reema Cordero was alarmed to find that her recently official new boyfriend has a sex mix that is reportedly only a few Locust tracks, sources confirmed while searching and failing to find words of encouragement.

“I mean, I really like the guy, but come on, the whole thing clocks out at around a minute and 17 seconds! Not to be judgemental, but a girl could really use a song with a bridge to at least entertain the possibility she might get hers too, jeez!” lamented Cordero. “And, all due respect to Justin Pearson and company, but the BPM on songs like ‘Get Off the Cross, The Wood is Needed’ makes for some, I’ll just come right out and say it — weird fucking! No time for foreplay, nothing to get me in the mood, just blast beats, synth squeals and snarling. T

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