BEIJING — As part of an escalating global trade war, the Chinese government announced plans to retaliate against President Donald Trump's tariffs by putting worse fortunes into their cookies.

Highly placed sources within the Chinese Communist Party confirmed that production had been ramped up on newer, more disturbing fortunes to place inside cookies to be shipped to thousands of restaurants across the United States.

"Less than happy outcomes are in your future," said one slip of paper seen by a fortune cookie insider. Other fortunes reportedly created to combat Trump's tariffs include "Your baseball team is unlikely to make the playoffs," "A Mexican mariachi band will soon move in next door," and "Full control of Star Wars will soon be given to Rian Johnson," which were sure to take the

See Full Page