SAN BERNARDINO, CA — Local church Elevation Catalyst Conglomerate, formerly known as First Baptist, is reportedly building a brand new 5,000-seat church campus in San Bernardino. According to sources, the pastor has directed his architect to "go for that timeless, late-'90s shopping mall look" for the design.

"We want people to walk up to our church and immediately think, 'Wow! I wonder if there is a Sam Goody or a KB Toys store in there!'" said Senior Community Experience Pastor Chez Doinkly to the firm designing the new building. "There's something timeless and beautiful about a bland temple of consumerism from the height of American economic might. That's what makes our target audience feel welcome."

Sources confirmed the plans include a large steel building covered in vaguely brown f

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