How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here . It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I have been married to my wife for 17 years. About 12 years ago, before we had a kid, she had a six-month affair with another man. We briefly separated and came close to divorce, but we went to therapy and we got back together. We had a child and, while our marriage has its issues, have generally moved forward quite well.

Our sex life is good for long-married, busy people with a kid. It is a little more routine than I’d like and, relatedly, my wife is not at all open to discussing desires or interests. We do what we do, and it is great, yet this is a point of some frustration for me. The big issue is that I have not been able to entirely mo

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