WASHINGTON, D.C. - Unsatisfied with the amount of time the Mueller investigation has been taking and the quality of that investigation, President Trump has performed his own independent investigation of himself. He's now released the results of that inquiry, which he says found that he is the most innocent president ever - perhaps even the most innocent person in the entire world.

"I am the absolute best at not doing crimes," President Trump declared. "Way better than any previous president - some of whom I'm not even sure were born in this country. But I am very American and very not guilty of absolutely everything. That's what the investigation says."

Trump then described how he did the investigation. He put the absolute best mind on it - his own - and then to make sure he was independ

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