RIVERDALE, UT — A tragic scene ensued last night, as an introvert bit down on a cyanide capsule at his own birthday dinner as soon as the waiters started singing "Happy Birthday" to him.

Socially anxious Mitchell Myers had been surprised by his loving wife and children with a trip to the local Chili's when he came home from work on his birthday. The casual family dining restaurant chain is known for providing a standardized food product in the genre of American and Tex-Mex fare across all of its 1,600 restaurants around the world. Even still, Myers was more concerned about the immense embarrassment that was sure to follow if the waitstaff focused all the room's attention on him by singing "Happy Birthday" .

"Oh no," said Myers while waiting in the lobby for a table to become available

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