Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Don’t stop believin’! Please, we’re haemorrhaging congregants at this church.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

I bet the bloke on the right wasn’t joining in with ‘Pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side’ quite so enthusiastically.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Has anyone asked the meek if they actually want the earth? We could ask them to nominate a leader to answer though anyone volunteering would, by definition, not quality as meek.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Britain is a tinderbox. Everyone’s on Tinder.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Roasts often focus on fucking the other person’s parent as a sign of dominance. But in reality, shagging your mate’s mum was awkward and sad.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Lying bruised on the floor, your spiderwebbed iPhone

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