You’ve probably heard that my little business venture has been getting a lot of attention lately, and not just because I’ve been reporting my competitors for bogus zoning violations. Looks like this is my ticket out of our old hometown and into the big time! I’m so glad we get to share this moment — I mean, it’s my moment, but you’re here to see it. I want to make sure you know that I’ll never, ever let success change me. Even when I’m at the top of the ladder, I’m going to be exactly what I’ve always been: colossally reprehensible.

Why should having more money and status make me change my ways? It’s not like I’m going to stop cutting people off in traffic; I’ll just be in a nicer car. I’m excited to really go all in on the way I already act. Harassing baristas must be extra satisfying wh

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