GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Michael Murphy, a 43-year-old insurance salesman suffering from shortness of breath, elevated cholesterol, undiagnosed GI issues and high blood pressure, finally prioritized his health last Tuesday with a visit to his doctor to talk about his penis and nothing else, confirmed sources.

“People are surprised when they find out I’m actually super into health and wellness,” said a visibly bleeding Murphy. “I only consume energy drinks made without Red 40 additives, never miss a dose of my gas station hard-on supplements and cold plunge three times a day. I’ve done my research and the prescription I’ve just received from my doctor is safe, effective, and most importantly, redirects the blood flow from my brain right into my penis where I can actually use it. It’s absolute

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