LORD Mandelson has prepared his coffin, checked the ancient Cyclus Diabolicus, set an alarm and settled down for when he is next needed.

The former ambassador to the US, who arrived back in his castle in Britain by rising from a puddle of infernal inky blackness, is sorry his sojourn in the realm of living souls is over but knows he will soon return.

He said: “December 1998 to October 1999 was quite a short gap, so ideally something similar. It is so boring being cast out into the cold emptiness beyond time.

“The circumstances are right: there’s a Labour government still in power, a great fury rises in the United States, a new Tsar in Russia, all of that Nostradamus business. I think there’s room for a little Mandy in there.

“Now let me look… yes, that’s when the Black Sun rises, this

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