WASHINGTON, D.C. — Facing an alarming health crisis across the U.S. military leadership, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced on Tuesday that he had hired legendary fitness trainers Hans and Franz to get all the top generals into shape.

After growing concerned about the condition of the military's top brass, Hegseth reportedly placed an urgent call to Hans and Franz and offered them whatever it would take to bring them to the nation's capital to serve as the Trump administration's hand-picked experts to help the commanders of the armed forces become lean and fit.

"These guys are the best at what they do," Hegseth told the media after announcing the arrival of the new trainers. "We've got enough to worry about with our national security without having to be concerned about the type of

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