ENJOYING the cold, wet, dark weather? No? Then at least attempt to use the supposed romance of autumn to get into someone’s pants with these tactics:

Flirty pumpkin carving

A one-on-one pumpkin carving is the opening scene of a horror film, so this is unfortunately a group activity. Carving intertwined lovehearts is a winner; carving a big cock-and-balls is direct. Avoid inviting a love rival with genuine artistic flair, or everyone will coo over their intricate masterpiece while you’re cucked by your shit pumpkin that looks like John Prescott.

Say ‘Fallen leaves do so put me in mind of Keats’

It’s crucial to memorise a couple of lines like ‘Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness’ in preparation, to be casually tossed off while strolling past scarlet-and-golden trees. Otherwise you’ll

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