I SEE Lily has treated the breakdown of our relationship with the respect it deserves, which is to say, by writing a song about my butt plugs. There’s a bit about a vasectomy as well, is there? Great.

I realise you’re only dimly aware of me due to Stranger Things and the aforementioned anal accessories. I am not surprised when people ask: ‘David, how could you possibly cheat on Lily Allen, a top pop star whose last album came out seven years ago and who has a good three songs you’d recognise?’

It is shocking, I know, that I turned to other women when I could have been listening to her singing and opinions all day, every day.

Make no mistake, Lily is totally the victim here, surprised and devastated by me shagging other women after she specifically agreed to it and laid down ground

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