PATRIOTS who love their country and have no other underlying motivation are turning crossings and roundabouts into England flags. They can do these next:

Any interior household door

The side of a tradesman’s van

Any radiator

A rare first edition mono pressing of the Beatles’ White Album worth £13,000

Any white person

A slice of white bread. Repeat until loaf finished

Gentlemen’s club White’s of Mayfair, whose members include King Charles

The White Cube gallery, Bermondsey

The White House, Washington DC

The back of your library card. Just joking!

The table of any sterile operating theatre, it’s your NHS

Your grandmother’s net curtains

Doves (birds)

Doves (ecstasy)

A flat white coffee

Lightswitches

Plug sockets

The white goods in Curry’s

A blank Word document

Public notic

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