SEMINOLE, TX

Mr. Dueck, 37 of Seminole, Texas is being granted the Presidential Medal of Freedom this week for becoming the sole American survivor of the Kardashian years.

“He is a beacon of hope in this troubled world,” said President Biden, with a tear in his eye, pinning the medal to Mr. Dueck’s plaid button-up shirt. “This man has shown all of us remarkable stamina and strength and is well deserving of this medal for his meritorious contribution to the security or national interests of the United States and world peace.”

Mr. Dueck is believed to be the only one in America who has not seen a single episode of .

“I guess they’re calling me a hero, but I just did what anyone would do who doesn’t own a television and whose church forbids it,” said Dueck. “I mean, I haven’t watched a si

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