Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here .

Dear Care and Feeding,

I divorced my kids’ dad two years ago for the most selfish reason possible: I wanted to do less of the parenting for one of my kids. “Patrick” (15) has long-standing behavioral issues, although no developmental or learning issues. I spent all my parenting energy on him, and our more self-managed kid, “Amanda,” was falling between the cracks. My ex was always proud of being a dad in front of his family and friends. But he wouldn’t do the hard stuff. He wouldn’t do “girly things” for our daughter. And for Patrick, he avoided the endless slog of IEP or 504 or discipline or parent-teacher meetings. He always backed out of taking him to therapy appointme

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