REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — First Lady (and real doctor) Jill Biden has confirmed she tested positive for COVID-19 after conducting her own extensive diagnostic assessment, which included hitting herself on the forehead with one of those rubber knee hammer things.

"Yep, it's official. I have COVID," Dr. Biden announced solemnly after hitting herself between the eyes with the reflex hammer. "Through rigorous scientific testing, including bonking myself on the head with the little hammer thingies that we real doctors all use, I have positively confirmed that I am suffering from this horrible disease. Rest assured, if I hadn't already received 17 vaccine injections and boosters, I would be much worse off than I am."

With notice of the First Lady's diagnosis rocking the nation to its core, she repo

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