WE’RE not experiencing an ‘amber alert’, it’s an ‘enhanced hot weather response’. Here’s how to make the rest of your mundane life more exciting with quasi-military jargon.

‘Target on the move’

A bit of surveillance jargon adds a tense thriller vibe to watching a lasagne go round in the microwave. Although you suspect it may be easier to apprehend than Jason Bourne.

‘Child lockdown initiated’

Or as it is better known, ‘bedtime’. Add to the drama with ‘Glass of water. CHECK’, ‘Caterpillar nightlight. CHECK’ and ‘Bedtime story. CHECK’. Sadly their room doesn’t have a 30-inch-thick nuclear blast door to stop the little bastards coming back downstairs.

‘Hull temperature critical’

Far more gripping than handing over a mug of tea to a guest and saying, ‘Watch out, that’s hot.’

‘Switching

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