WINNIPEG, MB

Despite his Finnish origin and inability to speak Plautdietsch, Winnipeg Jets star Patrik Laine is now officially even more Menno than Jonathan Toews. According to sources, his moustacheless beard was inspired by the desire to out-Menno the most Menno hockey player of them all, Chicago Blackhawks superstar Jonathan Toews.

“Hey, if going Menno will get me a few Stanley Cups and a Conn Smythe Trophy or two, then I’m more than willing to carefully shave my upper lip while letting the rest of it grow,” said Laine. “Who knows, I might even be able to attract one of those Penner girls from Winkler.”

Once his beard reached the appropriate length earlier this month, elders at the North Kildonan Mennonite Church declared Laine the “Most Mennonite player in the NHL,” and awarded him

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