TWO strangers who have no idea who you are and never will have decided to get married, they have announced.

A pop star you have zero connection to except for a parasocial relationship manufactured by the media and an American football player whose sport you do not even understand have decided to have a wedding you will not be invited to.

A spokesman for the happy couple said: “Do not expect to be part of his bachelor party, her bachelorette party, or the wedding ceremony. Because you’re not part of their lives.

“This explains why they’ve never given your life updates so much as a ‘like’ on social media. You are nothing to them. Even if you somehow bumped into them and said hello, they would forget about you instantly.

“It’s nice that you’re all excited for them, in a hopelessly patheti

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